Presiding Matters transcript
(a food fight is occurring in the cafeteria. Most of the kids are hiding beneath a table.) Jerry: So uh... how did this happen again? Francis: Do you really need me to explain? Jerry: It's not just me. Francis: Fine, but you better pay attention this time. (intro plays) (an announcement plays while the kids are in the hall) Kadic: Hey Belberites, how guh-guh-goes it? Marie: Dad... I swear... Kadic: Election week is coming this Monday. Please meet with Mr. Hetrick to get a spot. Remember, there'll be three spots, one for each part, and for anyone new, there's the red party, the blue party and the typically useless third party. (the kids are seen talking to one another) Colleen: So, who're you voting for? Alison: I don't even know who I'd be voting for Colleen. Colleen: I mean which party. Alison: Oh, right. Uh... red. Georgina: The red party, good choice. (the two see Georgina and her friends approach her) Alison: Hey Georgina, what's up? Georgina: Well if you must know, we're trying to turn the tides to ensure the red party maintains power in the school. Colleen: So the standard Mean Jean drill? Elizabeth: Yeah, but with good intentions. Dolly: We totally had the school ever since Francis became class president, and things were totally sweet. Suzy: Uh, they still are. Francis will still be president until Monday. Dolly: Oh, right, how could I forget? Elizabeth: We don't want to pressure you, but, can we count on your support this week? Alison: Look, I don't want to get political, I really don't know who I want to go with. Suzy: Listen, we're pushing for the red party because, quite frankly, they have the kids best interest at heart. They're helping us be ready for that time when we gorge on microwave pizza and live in moldy apartments. Alison: What? Elizabeth: What she's trying to say is that the blue party will reduce us to mush. The last time the blue party had control, the school was in chaos. (a flashback plays to when kids were tormenting the teachers and non-regular students) Alison: That's right, I think someone told me about that. Whatever happened to our previous president? ???: Easy, his dad found out about what he did and sent him to reform school. (Ashley reveals herself) Ashley: Who're you voting for? Alison: I haven't decided yet. When election week begins I'll make my choice based on who speaks. NOW QUIT BUGGING ME! Ashley: Okay, now I'm starting to see why the library won't let you in anymore. Alison: Hey, that hurt! (at the end of the day, we see a girl scout walking to someone's house. Mr. Hetrick answers) Lacey: Hi! Would you like some Sprout Scout cookies? Hetrick: Sure, saves me the trouble of going to the grocery store. Could also make some special ice scream for- Lacey: Yeah yeah, tell you what, you don't have to pay for them. I'll give you one, and throw in another for free. All you have to do is ensure that Francis wins this years election. Hetrick: I don't have any influence on the votes. I just organize the candidates, fill out the paperwork or whatever. Lacey: Oh... Hetrick: Now how about some free cookies? Lacey: Thirty dollars or I feed them to the pigeons. Hetrick: Well I guess the red party's about to begin an all new losing streak. Lacey: Wait! I'm sorry, okay? Hetrick: I don't have to pay for those cookies. Lacey: No, you don't. Hetrick: Okay. (he takes the cookies and slams the door in her face.) Lacey: Thanks Mr. Hetrick, you're the best. (Monday. Francis is being prepped for her presentation by Elizabeth and Dolly) Elizabeth: Now remember, be rational no matter the question. Professionalism is next to I'm a shoe-in to win-ism. Dolly: Yeah, just do your best, we'll totally be with you no matter what happens. Francis: Guys, I know my way around a crowd. I know them like I know the fact that Elizabeth doesn't wash her clothes. Elizabeth: That was never proven! Back to the presentation, if you need help we'll be in the audience. Francis: You could run one question by me so I could see how I could handle it. Elizabeth: Replacing the playground, yay or nay? (Francis covers her face with her hands) Dolly: Like I said, we'll be with you no matter what. (In the auditorium, Kadic is seen on the stage facing an audience made up of all the kids.) Kadic: Ladies and gentlemen! Turn your attention to the East balcony. (the students turn to the left) Kadic: Other way! *mutters, someone shoot me* (they turn to the right) Kadic: Lovely. Representing the red party, winner of the past five elections and most likely to become the world's first female mobster, Francis Perrino! (Francis reveals herself) Kadic: And for the blue party, his IQ is half the number of his age, Damien Gordon! Francis: Smh, Damien, I'm a shoe-in. Elizabeth: Be careful Francis, the least likely are always the most dangerous. (she and Dolly look at Elizabeth confusingly.) Elizabeth: Come on, I can't be the only one to notice that cliche! Kadic: And for the obligatory third party, loser of the day Macie Moralson. (the students boo.) Kadic: Now it's time for those questions. Francis, since you've won last time, you can go first. (Sparky raises his hand) Sparky: Where do you stand on a potential policy change? Francis: I prefer to follow the usual method. It hasn't let me down, it hasn't let you down, why fix what isn't broken, amirite? Sparky: Well you got me there. (another student raises his hand) Munson: What do you plan to do when you get into office Damien? Damien: I plan to put vending machines in every room across every open space in the school! (the students cheer) Suzy: I think I'm gonna hurl. Randall: How do you plan to afford a ludicrous amount of vending machines? Damien: The adults owe us! Macie: Hey, I didn't even go yet! All: GOOD! (Lacey raises her hand) Lacey: Will you buy some sprout scout cookies? Francis: ...probably. Lacey: Good enough. (Emily raises her hand) Emily: What's your stance on the lack of classroom participation? Damien: Students shouldn't answer questions if they don't want to! Julie: But isn't answering questions the point of school? Damien: School stinks, that's why I feel this way. Macie: A- Kadic: Okay, let's conclude this questionnaire with some good ol' speeches. Francis you start. Francis: I can't promise you anything more than I promised you in the beginning, but I can promise you this. I promise you a flawed but safe environment. I promise you a proper filtering of the more unbearable social archetypes, and most of all, I promise you that you won't have to get a dirty blue running the show! Because Damien aint no Jimmy Carter! Alison: I don't get it. (the adults are shown laughing at the joke) Kadic: Heheh, what say you, Damien? Damien: I say, kids rule! With me in charge, we will have full reign, no homework and all the cool stuff we want. Principal Kadic, TEAR DOWN YOUR WALL! Kadic: Save that node for when you're running for the red party. Now that we've- Macie: LET ME SAY MY PIECE! Kadic: Okay, you big baby. Macie: If you want a dunderhead who gives false promises, vote for Damien. If you want a cheesed-up lunatic, vote for Francis. But if you vote for me, I promise you a free environment, where everyone is treated fairly and equally. Buffy: Uh Macie- Macie: Where no insults will ever be traded. Buffy: Seriously, you- Macie: Where the right people will go punish- Buffy: YOU VIOLATED YOUR OWN PROMISE! Macie: ...huh? Buffy: You insulted Damien and Francis. Thereby nullifying your promise. Kadic: That right there is a violation of Article C, Section 2, subsection 1. You're through. Macie: I HATE ALL OF YOU! (Macie punches Kadic, causing him to crash into a nearby table.) Kadic (disheveled): And now let's watch some promotional movies. Francis, you start. (a screen drops down.) Announcer: Put on your 3-D glasses. (the kids put on 3-D glasses and Francis' presentation plays. Francis is seen on a dirt road.) Francis: Move forward, don't fix what isn't broken. Both are different, but for me, they're one in the same. Move forward with an endorsement from the school's most revered party, there's no need to fix what isn't broken. Unless it's to clean up the mess the blues started. (a realistic lobster appears, startling the kids) Announcer: This message was paid for by the Perrino Estate. (a parody of the Stephen J. Cannell Productions logo plays) Kadic: Okay, blue party versus red party, pick your poison by Friday. I won't be sleeping. Francis: I have a good feeling about this. Elizabeth: It all depends on how easily people get manipulated. Suzy: It'll be fine, if anyone could question vending machines and not answering questions, who would possibly vote for Damien? Phoebe: Still, just to be safe, let's take a sneak peak at the results tonight, save us some undeserved suspense. Georgia: Be on my line at six tonight. (in the cafeteria.) Jerry: I should bring my own lunch to school more often. (reaches into his bag) Jerry: One grape tomato, and one five foot long. Dante: You're the one that took my lunch!? That's messed up dude. Jenny: I didn't know my parents sent me a care package. (opens a box.) Jenny: Mmm, sochans. Marie: Those do look good. Can I try some? Jenny: I don't think you're supposed to. Marie: Come on, what's the worst that could happen? (Marie takes some. Her skin turns green and her mind devolves. She ups her strength and goes on a rampage. Jenny rapidly scarfs down her food.) Jenny: Should be fine in a few centuries, or maybe I'm over-estimating plot convenience. (Alison is seen getting lunch. Ashley and Fiona approach her.) Fiona: Say, Alison. Alison: What? Ashley: Who'd you vote for? Alison: Why does that matter? Fiona: We need as many votes as possible. Just the thought of having this election slip through our fingers is as painful as sitting through The Lion King. Alison: Look, whoever wins, whoever loses, I don't care. Neither should you. Ashley: But whoever loses- (Alison immediately ditches them.) Fiona: Forget it ashbury steak, unless everyone has the intelligence of, well the average kid, we'll be in the clear even without Alison. Ashley: That reassurance earned you my slab os salisbury steak. (Ashley tosses it and Fiona runs up and gets it in her mouth.) Ashley: Good girl. (Alison goes to talk to her friends) Becky: So who're you voting for? Alison: Nobody. I'm taking a stand and playing Switzerland on this. Jenny: You mean you're going to become a chef with a speech impediment? Alison: No that's playing Sweden. Jerry: Uh, I don't think you should. The school has a no neutrality policy. Remember what happened to Bernard? (a flashback plays, showing Kadic and Ms. Chapley holding Bernard by his legs over a balcony.) Kadic: Did you vote in the class election? Bernard: No, I didn't! Kadic: I'll let you go if you pick a side. Bernard: Okay! I vote blue! Kadic: Drop his behind. (they drop Bernard.) Kadic: Told you we'd let go. (back to the kids) Jerry: Nobody really knew what happened to Bernard afterwards. Bernard *walking by*: Hey guys. All: Hey Bernard. Alison: Fine, I'll think it over. I only have (looks at a clock) TWO MINUTES!? Colleen: It's literally vote or possibly die at this point. (the kids run to the polls screaming.) Kadic: In the gym! Alison: Thank you. (the kids run screaming to the gym to vote.) (later at night, we see Georgina in the bathtub with a computer in front of her. She's also on the phone.) Georgina: Alright, red party campaign role call. Francis: Future president, on. Ruth: Vice president, present. Ashley: Field agents. Fiona: Present. Randall: Treasurer, here. Phoebe: Secretary of class, here. Georgina: Good enough. Now, thanks to Phoebe providing me the code to break the school's firewall, I'm close to accessing the polls. (Georgina goes to the page.) Georgina: Oh dear... Francis you- (the line suddenly goes dead. Georgina's power goes out.) Francis: Am I about to eat my own words? (the next day, the kids go to school.) Francis: This is so exciting! Should I prepare myself or just walk up humbly? Elizabeth: The latter, because building yourself up mentally is a cliche upon a jinx. (her friends look at her confused.) Elizabeth: You make those Romeo and Juliet adaptations famous. (Kadic does the announcement) Kadic: The votes are in. Your new class president is... Uh, hold on a second. (Kadic is heard drinking something) Kadic: Damien Gor*belch* (Francis turns pale(r than usual) and faints. She awakens.) Dolly: Francis? Is everything totally okay? Francis: Am I president? Suzy: Nope. Francis: Then don't wake me up. *passes out* Kadic: The commencement ceremony will be held in the auditorium. Be there or *barfs* Alison: Well, at least now I won't be goaded into picking a side. Kadic: Oh, almost forgot, the loser is expelled. Alison: Expelled!? Colleen: Like you said, now you won't be goaded into picking a side. Alison: I didn't want anyone to get expelled over voting results. Damien: Hello peeps! Ashley: Not the best introduction, but whatever. Damien: As a president by the kids and for the kids, I plan to make school a better place. For lunch, we'll have pizza and chicken nuggets Jerry: That pizza sinks like a stone! Jenny: The nuggets are worse. Damien: We'll have vending machines wall to wall in every single room, and kids will have free reign on everything. Ruth: Okay I've heard enough, meet me on the roof. Alison: You know what? I should've just kept my mouth shut and voted for Francis. (with the Elites, they're taking part in a meeting) Ruth: So we're all in agreement, we'll drink ten cups of camomile tea, take a hot bath and sleep forever. Fiona: Yes, and we'll write notes to our moms telling them it's not their fault. Randall: And it doesn't hurt to leave a small inheritance. Ruth: Look Randall, we're not doing DUH MONEY thing anymore. We don't need you going all Scrouge McYuck on our families. Randall: YOU'RE KILLING ME! Ashley: Don't bite her head off! Fiona: Yeah don't bite her head off- Dante: Shut up Fiona! You're just going to act like a dog to distract from this crud like you always do! Fiona: Hey, don't throw facts at me as if they're insults! Elizabeth: Can we all just calm down and find a way to cope with the Damien situation? We're so much better than- (Angela slaps her) Angela: Learn English! LEARN. ENGLISH! Elizabeth: Eat... My... fajita! (everyone fights one another) Ruth: STOP! EVERYONE JUST STOP! I don't think Damien's the problem, I think it's each other. (Ruth walks out) Tommy: Oh no! Is this the end of the Elites!? Marie: Probably. (the next day, Damien's promises are put into action.)